The Quicksand Outside the Sandbox

I cannot be the only person, let alone veteran, to wake up in the morning and ask themselves "what now"?

My problem now lies in the fact that I have been asking “now what?” for 2,196 days, plus or minus. That is just over six years. That would be tough math if all you ever used it for was Adreps or AmmoCas Reports.

6 years. That is how long I have been released from the military for medical reasons. For almost half as long as I had served, I have been out. Out of a job. Out of her Majesty's service. Out of commission. Out of my fucking mind. Without purpose. And out of my control.

It has been said that time and tide wait for no man. Life happens and time passes or some shit like that. You are either on the boat or off it, either way the ride happens whether you opted on board or not.

I have borne witness to the passing of tides from the safety of shore. I’ve watched the leaves fall from their perch for six seasons, from the safety of the grass, smoking weed five stories below. All the while, not joining in on the life that was happening during those in-between moments.

Perhaps. However on the path I have travelled there were some bumpy patches where more than just I could have fallen off the wagon. I have also picked up a lot along the way; PTSD, some friends, some ghosts, some pets (specifically the monkey you’ll see on my back from time to time with a bottle of whisky in his hand), as well as some understanding and insight. 

Where this blog starts isn't necessarily where my story begins and hopefully far from where it ends. This just happens to be where the other chapters finished and a new page has to be turned. I’ve been stuck in the mire of my own shit and suck for too long. The turning of this page is a necessity. Going forward is a must. This is the story I will tell to my son. This is the story where I have taken control of my reactions, where I am responsible for my destiny.

Fighting the sinking into quicksand is terrifying. Like marking time (marching on the spot), a lot of effort is put into no progress. Are you tracking? Lots of sweat and bullshit and blood with no forward movement. Panic without production. When in truth, to escape quicksand the most efficient technique is relaxation.  Chill the fuck out and relax. Put your head back and breathe. Float. Ride the wave. Let everything takes its course. Much like time and tide, anxiety and frustration will leave whether we jump on the bus or not.

Wisdom comes from knowing what bus to jump on, or when to wait and catch the next train; to the destination of your choosing. My next step, my personal advancement is this entry’s last step. I need to close out before I get caught up in the same disengagement quagmire that the US and Canada get into when breaking up with a war and stay here for so long it becomes awkward for all of us.

Short story long, this is a blog about recovery and redemption and trying to live a life of purpose. This is my story, about my earning Erin’s and Ainsworth’s and Rob’s; and the rest of our generation’s heroes sacrifices. This is about living in our free country, during the greatest times of our lives. Join me for the ride. Let’s ride this shit storm out wherever the winds blow.

We may not be able to control the storm blowing around us but we can control the storms brewing within.